PCSing isn’t for the feint of heart

It’s that time, again.

Didn’t we just get here?

There are so many things we haven’t done. Haven’t explored.

What were we doing all of this time? Having more babies, apparently.

Yet here I am. Staring at all my crap, wondering how on earth it will fit in a smaller house. Wondering where I’ll give birth. Wondering if I’ll make friends quickly. Wondering if I’ll hate it.

I don’t want to go.

It sounds awful depending on who I ask.

Amazing if I ask others – but I find that hard to believe.

And all I can do, in this moment. Is cry. Both my babies took their first steps in this home. Our 3rd, kicking around and wiggling, will never know this place. Nor will he or she remember the next place. Maybe not even the place after that.

I’ve been asked, how do you do it? How do you deal with the changes? How do you cope?

The truth is. I don’t. We have no choice but to do it. And live through it. And finish it.

Because this is the life we’re in. This is the path we’ve landed on.

So for tonight, I’ll cry, staring at the spot my now 3 year old walked for the very first time. He probably won’t remember this home either.

But I will.

I always will.

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National Infertility Awareness Week 2017

Time heals all wounds, right?

Wrong.

Wounds might be easier to deal with. The pain slightly easier to bear.

But they are never truly healed.

Some days it just hits you and today was one of those days.

Our fertility struggle started more than 5 years ago. Our loss 1202 days ago. I’ve had two beautiful, healthy, happy children since then.

But that doesn’t change the loss and pain we endured to get here.

While the sadness and grief no longer consume me, there is a piece of my heart that still mourns that lost little love, each negative pregnancy test, each time I was told no or maybe next time.

Today was a normal day, as I loaded up the kids and left for our MOPs meeting (Moms of Preschoolers).

Today’s speaker spoke about her journey through infertility and loss. Her story was tragic and heartbreaking, something no one should have to go through. I sat there and cried with her.

After our speaker finished, we were provided discussion questions to use at our table.

Today, I heard several very brave women, share their stories of fertility struggles and losses. It humbled me to watch their bravery unfold. They shared their pain. Their battle.

When it was my turn to share, I was surprised when I had to stop and try (not very successfully) to regain some composure.

I’ve been quite open about what we’ve been through. It’s been awhile since I really talked about that blazing, joyous moment of finding out we were pregnant to that heart-wrenching, life altering moment when we weren’t.

I remember thinking to myself how weird it was that I was crying, I feel like I don’t usually cry when I talk about our journey anymore.

As I’ve shared our struggled throughout the last few years, I’ve spoken with quite a few people who struggled too, with infertility, secondary infertility or miscarriages. But being in a room with so many wonderful people, many of whom had this shared experience was empowering. Even through all of the accompanying sadness, it proved, again, I was not alone.

I’m not.

And you are not alone.

 

Listen up.

Don’t suffer in silence.

Check out Resolve to learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week and more available resources.

My favorite moment from 2016

I had a lot of them.

All with L and W.

But my favorite moment by far was the moment I got to tell my husband I was pregnant.

We tried for years to have L and were under the impression we would never have children without medical intervention.

So after a couple weeks of feeling really crummy, days before my first half marathon (and Mother’s Day) I was prepared to give my doc a call to see what was up. I knew they’d ask about dates of things so I took a pregnancy test anyways – just because things were getting back on track from breastfeeding.

The shock of all shocks was that it was positive!

Never in my life did I think that would happen. I literally fell to the ground crying and my sweet little 11 month old at the time came waddling up to me for the best hug of my life.

Until my husband came home – and we got to tell him the news.​ So here is the video of my favorite moment of 2016. 

Happy New Year everyone and may 2017 bring you much joy and happiness!