To you.

I wrote this post in March of 2014 while I struggled through the grieving process after our miscarriage.

Today is the one year anniversary of the worst day of my life – forever etched in my memory.

To commemorate that little person, I wanted to share this post. This is one of the first things I was able to write after the loss, trying to find a way to mend my broken heart. Writing has helped and time has helped a little. But nothing takes it away.

I think of our little one every day, who, had things happened differently would be about four months old now. Every day I am grateful for our little boy I am carrying and I wouldn’t give up a single moment with him but it doesn’t change the heartache I feel on the little life I never got to know. If there were a way to have them both, I would – but know that is not a possibility.

Below is that post I wrote and never published until now. Just some random thoughts that poured out of my head, trying to make sense of things.

There are so many questions that cannot be answered and it breaks my heart to never know, to think about all the possibilities that were there and the future that we had waiting for you.

What would you have been like?

Would your eyes have been green? Or blue?

Would you be tall or short?

Would you have been a mini-me? Or mini-version of your daddy?

Would you be a writer or a mathematician? 

Would you love sports?

Would you like the same music and movies we do?

Would you be allergic to pineapple?

Would you have freckles like me?

Would have loved to dance and sing?

Would you have been artistic?

Would you love to cook?

Would you be best friends with our pets?

Would you have a crooked smile? Or dimples?

Would you be a momma’s boy or a daddy’s girl?

Would you be a doctor? Firefighter? Follow your daddy’s footsteps?

Would you be stubborn?

What other languages would you learn to speak?

What song would you dance to at your wedding?

Would you go to college?

Would you help people?

Would you be ticklish?

Would you be shy?

Would you be independent?

What would your laugh sound like?

These are some of the many questions I will never have answered. I will never know what you would have been or could have been. The one thing that I wish you could know is how much I love you. And I always will. 

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