Things still left to say

The last few days I struggled trying to think about something to write about. I didn’t really want to write more about baby items and diapers but that’s sort of been a lot of my life these days.

But inspiration hit me, like a big smack in the face.

This week I a few people I know contacted me to talk about some not so fun things. One to talk about a miscarriage and ask me some questions about my experience, to maybe help her understand hers a little bit.

Another person asked me a little about my infertility journey.

I saw someone else talking about their struggle with infertility on Facebook and it makes me so sad to see so many people dealing with this.

So that’s where my inspiration for this post came along….

This last week I was lucky enough to have my parents come out and spend some time with me. It’s been wonderful to have them here! My mom is always amazing help at getting organized and makes sure I actually get things done. So I made this huge “to do” list of things I wanted to accomplish between getting the nursery and baby’s clothes organized, to things I’ve just been putting of for days. Weeks. Okay, months.

One of these items was to take a bunch of items back to the fertility clinic we had been seeing. They were able to take back all of the unopened medication that had been safely stored in my fridge and will donate it to someone who can use it.

I’ve had items like this in my fridge and on my counter for nearly a year now…like they had always been there and were a part of our necessary counter supplies, along with my mixer, Keurig, sugar and flour. Or they were suppose to live in the butter drawer.

I thought I’d be excited – more space in my fridge and done with all of these things! I don’t need them now because our dreams finally came true!

But instead as I cleared all of the FolliStim out of my fridge and into a bag to take to the office, I started crying.

Why am I sad? I couldn’t help but wonder. And then as the tears fell as I looked at the bag in my hand, I remember the place I was in this time last year. I remembered the first time Wes had to help me by giving me my first injection. I remembered the first night Wes was on duty and I had to do an injection on myself.

I felt hopeless. Scared. Worried. Nervous. Awful. The list goes on and on. There was not a single positive association to these medications and this phase in my life.

But now I look down at the little bump that keeps growing, and my answer is right there.

We struggled through so many things, to get to where we are. But sometimes it doesn’t feel like the fight is over.

It feels like I’m still battling through infertility.

For a moment, as I was getting my little donation stack ready, I felt like we were quitting and giving up. That we had let infertility beat us and we were moving on. Infertility has been a part of our lives for a long time and I guess even though I’ve seen the ultrasounds, felt those little kicks, it feels like it is still with us.

We are lucky enough to have made it to the other side and are on a completely different and incredible journey. But without these things, we may never have gotten here.

It was such a bittersweet moment. I mourned the struggle that I had endured over the last year. And celebrated the new things that lie before me. But I realized, the battle with fertility will never leave me.

Now it doesn’t define me anymore. Neither does my miscarriage. My life is not ruled by these things. But they are a part of me. They are a part of who I am. They are forever a part of my family and this child. They are me, but I am not them.

It has taken me a long time to realize so many of these things but it was this week that it dawned on me, as my tears said all these things I didn’t know I had left in me.

Since I have opened up about my miscarriage and my infertility path, a few friends have sought me out to ask questions, get an opinion, maybe a little advice. That’s not a place I thought I would ever be.

While I am in a much happier place and a place with hope, it doesn’t change where we have been and what we have lost.

I still find it mind-boggling that there are so many people out there who suffer through some of these awful things. I didn’t know how common it was until it was happening to me.

Lastly, I will say this, my heart goes out to anyone who is going through this, whether it has been minutes or years since your loss happened, I am truly and unbelievably sorry. And to anyone fighting the fight of infertility, it is a very hard journey and you are my hero.

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