L has been the most amazing little person we could have hoped for. His smile lights up our entire world. He gives the best hugs. He has the bluest eyes. He’s funny and adventurous. To us, he is perfect no matter how many sleepless nights we have.
Now that he is nearly a year (how did that happen?!) we have to look at the reality we face.
We had always dreamed of having at least two children, never knowing how difficult just having one would be.
We love L and our world is complete with him in it. But we never wanted him to be an only child. And that’s what we’re facing.
I’m an only child and I had a great childhood. But that wasn’t our dream for our family.
So do we accept that this is what our family will look like? Or do we fight again? What if we have another miscarriage? Is it fair to put L through it?
The thought of going through all of the testing and the disappointment again weighs on me enough. But putting Logan through that emotional roller coaster with me breaks my heart.
I was not my best self those two years of infertility issues. I hid. I cried a lot. I ruined friendships.
This time we know what to expect, so maybe it will be easier. This time I have this tiny human who makes even the worst day better, so maybe that will help. And maybe knowing that it can work, and what the outcome is, will help.
But still, the disappointment and the frustration of something you thought would be so easy, just eats at you.
I wonder what it’s like to look at your spouse and say hey, let’s have a baby. And couple weeks later, boom! I’ll never know that feeling.