Infertility after a baby

L has been the most amazing little person we could have hoped for. His smile lights up our entire world. He gives the best hugs. He has the bluest eyes. He’s funny and adventurous. To us, he is perfect no matter how many sleepless nights we have.

Now that he is nearly a year (how did that happen?!) we have to look at the reality we face.

We had always dreamed of having at least two children, never knowing how difficult just  having one would be.

We love L and our world is complete with him in it. But we never wanted him to be an only child. And that’s what we’re facing.

I’m an only child and I had a great childhood. But that wasn’t our dream for our family.

So do we accept that this is what our family will look like? Or do we fight again? What if we have another miscarriage? Is it fair to put L through it?

The thought of going through all of the testing and the disappointment again weighs on me enough. But putting Logan through that emotional roller coaster with me breaks my heart.

I was not my best self those two years of infertility issues. I hid. I cried a lot. I ruined friendships.

This time we know what to expect, so maybe it will be easier. This time I have this tiny human who makes even the worst day better, so maybe that will help. And maybe knowing that it can work, and what the outcome is, will help.

But still, the disappointment and the frustration of something you thought would be so easy, just eats at you.

I wonder what it’s like to look at your spouse and say hey, let’s have a baby. And couple weeks later, boom! I’ll never know that feeling.


You Are Not Alone – 1 in 8 are affected by Infertility

The difference between last year and this year for me is substantial.

This time last year life was…in a word, miserable. I was struggling through so many things. First, we had been trying to conceive for two years. But on top of that, we had a miscarriage in January 2014 and were trying to make it through the grieving process.

This year, after undergoing months of fertility treatment with some amazing doctors and the unwavering support of my wonderful husband – were are counting down the days until our first child is due.

It has been a crazy journey that we started three years ago when we decided we were ready for a family.

While I feel so lucky and blessed to have this little one on the way, Resolve and the Infertility Community are near and dear to my heart.

I spent so much time wondering why me? And why doesn’t anyone else deal with this? And then I realized one day that people do…but they suffer in silence. They feel isolated, embarrassed, alone and scared. Dealing with infertility is hard enough but doing it alone is even worse.

When I opened up about our miscarriage and everything we were dealing with, it felt amazing. I first really opened up last year during NIAW. It was incredible how many people reached out to me. Not only did people contact me with support but it was the amount of people who came out saying they struggle too –those dealing with infertility or with a miscarriage. I was shocked at how many struggled with these issues and never said a word. Something I understand so well.

So for those people and others who feel alone, my blog this week will primarily be dedicated to National Infertility Awareness Week to remind everyone, You Are Not Alone. Join me with the Bloggers Unite Challenge.

For more information on infertility and NIAW please head here.

If you want to talk about your journey, have questions or comments you can feel free to write here! Also follow me on Instagram @theknnlife or email me at You can also find me on Facebook!

Here is the first post on infertility that I wrote last year, in case you’d like to see it.