Last Night Was a Good Night

There are some things that seem so distant, so unreachable, that you can never fully picture them.

You can’t visualize what something will be like because it seems so impossible.

But luckily for me, I had one of those magical, unreachable moments happen last night.

Every night when my husband is home, we put our sweet little guy to bed together.

Tonight I put him in jammies, we brushed his teeth and took him into his room. W read to him while I tried to snuggle him in his bed. Just like we do each night, but we swap, one reads while one stays.

But tonight L seemed like he wanted us both, so W laid down next to the bed so neither one of us had to leave him.

L wiggled and scooted around like he always does. But then…our Itty-Bitty started kicking. The strongest kicks I’ve felt with this pregnancy, high by my rib cage. I didn’t move for a moment, enjoying the happy baby.

I finally thought to get my husband’s attention, and he rested his hand there, and behold! A kick!  W hadn’t felt kicks like this yet. He’d been deployed almost my entire first pregnancy, coming home just days before the c-section. He’d felt movement then but not kicks like this.

This is never a position I thought I’d be in. Having my husband home is a novelty in itself it seems like. But cuddling with our sweet angel of a boy while he drifts off to sleep, while our second little miracle bounces around happily.

Thank goodness for these two little miracles we never thought we’d have.

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And when you’re not looking…

So I’ve been sitting on this post for a few months now because I wasn’t sure I even believed what was happening.

After all the struggles we went through to have our sweet L, we knew we would start thinking about a sibling sooner rather than later.

So in March I called a fertility clinic out here, since obviously we’d have to switch since the move from Hawaii.

We had an appointment scheduled for mid-May. I wasn’t sure I was ready to go through that process again, to put L through it. I didn’t like how I felt on Follistim and I hated the person I became during cycles, counting days, timing things, watching the clock. It was exhausting and I couldn’t imagine doing that with a one year old around.

But we scheduled the appointment, wanted to see what our options would be here, and hoped that we’d be adding to our family by the end of the year.

Instead, we had a little miracle happen.

At the beginning of May, I’d been feeling awful. Short of breath, dizzy, exhausted. Just not myself. I was getting ready to call a PCM because I knew something wasn’t quite right and I was just days away from running my first half marathon.

I took a test to rule that out because I knew in my gut there was no way. Not even an option with our issues.

I was shaking and confused when I saw, very clearly, a positive.

I remember falling to my knees and sobbing. Sweet L, with no idea what was happening, came over and hugged me. As I sat there and hugged him back I said thank you over and over and over to him, for helping fix whatever was broken with me. He healed my broken heart and his existence made this possible. He changed everything for us.

Here are some photos we shared of our sweet guy, telling the world what an awesome big brother he will be!

Infertility after a baby

L has been the most amazing little person we could have hoped for. His smile lights up our entire world. He gives the best hugs. He has the bluest eyes. He’s funny and adventurous. To us, he is perfect no matter how many sleepless nights we have.

Now that he is nearly a year (how did that happen?!) we have to look at the reality we face.

We had always dreamed of having at least two children, never knowing how difficult just  having one would be.

We love L and our world is complete with him in it. But we never wanted him to be an only child. And that’s what we’re facing.

I’m an only child and I had a great childhood. But that wasn’t our dream for our family.

So do we accept that this is what our family will look like? Or do we fight again? What if we have another miscarriage? Is it fair to put L through it?

The thought of going through all of the testing and the disappointment again weighs on me enough. But putting Logan through that emotional roller coaster with me breaks my heart.

I was not my best self those two years of infertility issues. I hid. I cried a lot. I ruined friendships.

This time we know what to expect, so maybe it will be easier. This time I have this tiny human who makes even the worst day better, so maybe that will help. And maybe knowing that it can work, and what the outcome is, will help.

But still, the disappointment and the frustration of something you thought would be so easy, just eats at you.

I wonder what it’s like to look at your spouse and say hey, let’s have a baby. And couple weeks later, boom! I’ll never know that feeling.

Siggyforblog

It’s nearly St. Patrick’s Day….

And I’ve done nothing!

Usually I’d make a desert, try a new recipe or something, but I’m totally unprepared this year.

Having a kid has mad me pretty useless but L and I survive each day mostly unscathed so I feel like that’s a win.

What are your favorite kid projects, or kid crafts St. Patty’s day related? I want to do something cute with the little guy!

Babies and technology

These two things are not a good combo! L keeps me so busy I don’t have much time to write. When I do it’s from my ipad and that just takes forever.

My laptop died nearly a year ago. W’s is almost dead. That leaves the desktop which is hard when my hands are full of wiggly baby.

My cell phone is also dead, I dropped it one too many times. But the fatal drop at least came at Disneyland, so how can you be all that mad?

We took L there for the first time yesterday. It was ridiculously hot so we made it a short day.

Pictures to come later when I can get them off of my poor phone.

Hope everyone is having a great end of the week. Enjoy the weekend and…FOOTBALL!

Siggyforblog