National Infertility Awareness Week 2017

Time heals all wounds, right?

Wrong.

Wounds might be easier to deal with. The pain slightly easier to bear.

But they are never truly healed.

Some days it just hits you and today was one of those days.

Our fertility struggle started more than 5 years ago. Our loss 1202 days ago. I’ve had two beautiful, healthy, happy children since then.

But that doesn’t change the loss and pain we endured to get here.

While the sadness and grief no longer consume me, there is a piece of my heart that still mourns that lost little love, each negative pregnancy test, each time I was told no or maybe next time.

Today was a normal day, as I loaded up the kids and left for our MOPs meeting (Moms of Preschoolers).

Today’s speaker spoke about her journey through infertility and loss. Her story was tragic and heartbreaking, something no one should have to go through. I sat there and cried with her.

After our speaker finished, we were provided discussion questions to use at our table.

Today, I heard several very brave women, share their stories of fertility struggles and losses. It humbled me to watch their bravery unfold. They shared their pain. Their battle.

When it was my turn to share, I was surprised when I had to stop and try (not very successfully) to regain some composure.

I’ve been quite open about what we’ve been through. It’s been awhile since I really talked about that blazing, joyous moment of finding out we were pregnant to that heart-wrenching, life altering moment when we weren’t.

I remember thinking to myself how weird it was that I was crying, I feel like I don’t usually cry when I talk about our journey anymore.

As I’ve shared our struggled throughout the last few years, I’ve spoken with quite a few people who struggled too, with infertility, secondary infertility or miscarriages. But being in a room with so many wonderful people, many of whom had this shared experience was empowering. Even through all of the accompanying sadness, it proved, again, I was not alone.

I’m not.

And you are not alone.

 

Listen up.

Don’t suffer in silence.

Check out Resolve to learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week and more available resources.

Infertility after a baby

L has been the most amazing little person we could have hoped for. His smile lights up our entire world. He gives the best hugs. He has the bluest eyes. He’s funny and adventurous. To us, he is perfect no matter how many sleepless nights we have.

Now that he is nearly a year (how did that happen?!) we have to look at the reality we face.

We had always dreamed of having at least two children, never knowing how difficult just  having one would be.

We love L and our world is complete with him in it. But we never wanted him to be an only child. And that’s what we’re facing.

I’m an only child and I had a great childhood. But that wasn’t our dream for our family.

So do we accept that this is what our family will look like? Or do we fight again? What if we have another miscarriage? Is it fair to put L through it?

The thought of going through all of the testing and the disappointment again weighs on me enough. But putting Logan through that emotional roller coaster with me breaks my heart.

I was not my best self those two years of infertility issues. I hid. I cried a lot. I ruined friendships.

This time we know what to expect, so maybe it will be easier. This time I have this tiny human who makes even the worst day better, so maybe that will help. And maybe knowing that it can work, and what the outcome is, will help.

But still, the disappointment and the frustration of something you thought would be so easy, just eats at you.

I wonder what it’s like to look at your spouse and say hey, let’s have a baby. And couple weeks later, boom! I’ll never know that feeling.

Siggyforblog

Dec 10 – baby’s first time putting up ornaments 

I have some catching up to do on all the things we have been doing but I couldn’t wait on this.

We are finally getting around to decorating the tree. I pulled our boxes of ornaments out and the first ornaments that caught my eye overwhelmed me.

We lost so very much in 2014 that writing this and looking at these ornaments brings tears to my eyes even now.

But we gained so much in 2015.

So here are the first ornaments L and I hung together on his first tree.


  

How do you other moms function?

I’ve always had a difficult time with balance. For example, working a 40 hour week and being able exercise, cook, clean etc. Never could do it. It was either work and eat cereal every night and do nothing else. Or not work and do my best to attempt to exercise, cook, clean, errands, and keep on top of everything.

Now add in my sweet babe…and I cannot balance anything. My entire day is meeting each and every need of this little guy and then doing it all over the next day. I don’t know if he just needs more attention than some babies or what but I find I do very little in regards to regular life activities.

Here has been my day so far, which began at 4am.

4am – 5:15am: Feed baby, put baby back in bed. Baby wakes up, feed baby again, put back in bed. Get up six times to soothe him back to sleep.

5:15 finally crawl back in bed, hold breath to listen and see if he woke up, again.

5:35: Tell W his alarm went off and he hit snooze.

5:40-5:45: hold breath hoping W getting up and getting ready for work doesn’t wake L.

5:45-6:35 – SLEEP!!!

6:35- L is up. Change diaper, dress, play.

6:45-7:40- head downstairs, feed baby, drink coffee, W makes me breakfast so I don’t starve to death since I have no use of hands.

7:40 – 8 am: Feed baby, snuggle baby.

8am – fail at moving sleeping baby off my lap

8:02 am – change diaper, try to get baby to nap (he has puffy eyes and won’t stop yawning!)

8:05am, change diaper again.

8:06-9am: playtime, tummy time, change diaper again.

9:00:9:25- feed baby. snuggle sleepy baby, try to put baby down. Again.

9:30am: Baby wakes up and screams because he’s over tired. Change baby again.

9:35-10am: Rock baby in rocking chair to calm him.

10am – 10:10am – put baby in swing in hopes of him falling asleep.

10:15am – breathe sigh of relief.

Exhausting!

And now here I am typing away…Yesterday we did all of that above until he fell asleep at 2:30. He eats roughly every hour to hour and a half, anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour. Completely unpredictable. He woke up from his nap at 6 last night, then it’s time for fussiness, cluster feeding, bath time and bed!

So someone explain to me how I have a “social life.” I have a hard time making plans because I know I can’t stick to them. Screaming hungry baby? Drop everything, feed and soothe.

I’m not sure if this is a lack of my life balancing skills, new mommy hood or what. I don’t know when this changes or if this is what it is for now. I’m not complaining, hanging out with L and making him happy and meeting his needs is my entire priority. I am thrilled and grateful to have the opportunity to be his mommy.

But I know it’s affecting everything else. I’m not capable of running errands. I have said for 5 days in a row that I’d go grab groceries and some needed supplies. Every time W has tried to come home and bring me the car so I could drop him back off at work and run errands, L has been asleep or I know he’s about to be hungry.

After W is home for the day? Sure let me grab my keys….and cue screaming hungry baby.

I think I’ve eaten with two hands maybe 6 times in 9 weeks and only because someone (mom, mother in law, friend, husband) took pity on me and held the angry baby so I could inhale my food.

And I will gladly do this each and every day.

But my inability to do a little work from home, run any errands (someone screams non stop in the car) or even see/talk to/text my friends…can get frustrating.

But I think the one hard part is I know other people are capable of doing it…and I’m just not right now. So to you awesome mamas who are pro status at this, keep on keeping on! I know my limits and my flaws, and I just can’t.

Unfortunately, I can definitely tell friendships are sliding, people are feeling ignored, neglected, etc. Things I would usually be able to keep up on, banking, paperwork, etc are falling by the wayside.

The same happened towards the end of my pregnancy. I was exhausted and stressed (and my awesome mom was here for a month!). So again, lots of me being useless to anyone but myself.

It also happened a year and a half ago when I had my miscarriage. I was completely consumed by grief for upwards of six months. I functioned at a very minimal level but I was emotionally unavailable and unreliable.

Maybe I’m selfish. Maybe I’m weak. I made many mistakes and I will make many more.

These last three years have been wonderful and hard in so many ways. Great friends were made and then lost, due to the way in which I cope with and handle my life.

Thus my pattern continues as this sweet angel of mine takes up my whole heart and nearly all my attention.

So to the fun plans I have cancelled, or will cancel in the future, I’m oh so sorry! The birthdays I forget, the thank you cards I don’t send, the phone calls and texts I miss and forget to return, I’m sorry. And to those who are patient enough to put up with me, thanks. I know I have my flaws, thank you for accepting me as I am. I love every second of being with this guy but having a newborn has been so much harder than I ever thought!

Now while he’s sleeping…do I shower, eat, sleep, write, check emails, clean???? So many options and so very very little time!

Siggyforblog