They don’t say how hard it will be.

The days are long, but the years are short.

How often do new moms, or mom of young kids hear that?

What you don’t hear is sometimes just how hard it is.

Today was a hard day. And the mom guilt is real. Today is a day I wished away. I counted down the minutes until bedtime because today was just too much. Too hard.

My oldest, just over 3.5 is in that questions about everything phase. The why phase. And each question is asked about 10 times. I love that he learns through repetition and examples but I can only answer the same thing so many times.

My 2 year old is sweet, and into everything. Mischievous. And in that stage where a simple no, you may not have 17 snacks you need to eat dinner, equals a meltdown.

Then my sweet little newborn. He needs me for everything. And he has two older brothers who need me too. I can’t spend an hour to get him settled down for each nap, or let him nap in my arms all day everyday. They need me too. He’s constantly needing something. He needs to eat. He needs to sleep. He didn’t get enough sleep so he’s overtired and screaming. He seems to have a dairy intolerance. He is just hard right now. This stage is hard.

It seems like each one, in their own way, needs me, and all of me. And yet I’m only to give just under 1/3 of myself to them.

I spend most of my day saying, wait, I can’t hold you now, I’m holding your brother.

Your brother is crying now, you’ll have to wait.

I’m sorry, I can’t do that while I do this.

All day. Everyday.

I know today was just one day and tomorrow is a new day. A new chance for me to be more for them. The confusion and guilt between wishing time would freeze, and fast-forward a few years is immense.

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Now That I See You

I couldn’t figure out how to explain what this year was to me. A lot of other stuff happened, good and bad, but this is sums it up.
All those days watching from the windows
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing
Just how blind I’ve been
Now I’m here, blinking in the starlight
Now I’m here, suddenly I see
Standing here, it’s all so clear
I’m where I’m meant to be
And at last I see the light
And it’s like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it’s like the sky is new
And it’s warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted

All at once everything looks different,
Now that I see you

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All those days chasing down a daydream
All those years living in a blur
All that time never truly seeing
Things, the way they were
Now he’s here shining in the starlight
Now she’s here, suddenly I know

If she’s here it’s crystal clear
I’m where I’m meant to go

And at last I see the light

And it’s like the fog has lifted

And at last I see the light

And it’s like the sky is new

And it’s warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted

All at once, everything is different
Now that I see you,
Now that I see you…….

 

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*Lyrica from Disney’s Tangled “Now That I see You”