You Are Not Alone – Infertility and having more children

I am currently 37 weeks pregnant and my whole pregnancy has been well, crazy.

I saw this great article a few weeks back and I wanted to share it and talk about it for a moment.

People make comments about how they’re sure I can’t wait to be done since pregnancy is so awful, etc. (I’ve blogged elsewhere about comments like this if you’d like to see more). There have been comments about…well what did you “really” want in regards to me having a boy, or before we knew what we were having. This is all besides the point.

Another question I’ve been asked is about what birth control I’ll be going on after, how long we want to wait to try again, etc.

But the thing I feel like most people don’t understand is that…we have come to terms with the fact that there is a very good chance this is going to be our one and only child.

Even now it’s a painful question when asked about our future family plans — and it is no one’s business.

After a miscarriage and two and a half years of fertility treatments, five medicated cycles – including 3 IUIs, we’ve been through a lot already. We are so grateful for our little miracle we have on the way. But the sheer exhaustion, both physically and emotionally of going through fertility treatments was hard enough on just me and my husband. I can’t imagine having a small child and going through all of that again.

I know the physical effects that the medications had on me was hard. I was exhausted, temperamental, clingy and a whole slough of other emotions. Plus the two week waiting window, both to ovulate and to find out if it had worked or not, combined with several appointments a week…I can’t imagine dragging a toddler through all of that.

Maybe I’ll feel really differently when our son is two or three years old and feel that we can all handle it. But I may not.

Plus the fact that when our son is a few months old, I will be moving away from the wonderful team of doctors I had.

Yes I realize that we would be making the conscious decision to not have more children but beyond that it’s the decision to not put ourselves and especially our child, through what was the most difficult journey we have ever been on.

For the meantime, we will enjoy these last few weeks of this pregnancy and our time with our sweet baby, who we are so excited to meet.


40 bags in 40 days Challenge, Week 1 Update

So last week I posted about the 40 bags in 40 days challenge. I began the challenge last Wednesday have now been through the first week. Check out my original post here.

I have to say even though the areas I’ve chosen to focus on are small, it definitely feels good to decrapify!


Right around the time I discovered we were expecting, I’ve been trying to declutter and clean anyways. Nesting maybe? It’s all been big stuff, like a closet here, a closet there, the garage, etc. Between the incoming arrival of a tiny person and all the STUFF he will need, plus potentially moving at the end of the year, getting rid of stuff has been a priority.

So for this challenge I wanted to focus on really small areas of the house. The FlyLady (check her out if you haven’t) would probably call some of these hot-spots, or areas that seem to attract clutter. Or if it’s a bigger area, or somewhere I feel is a bit daunting, I’ve broken it up into sections. Like I have three days where I want to work on my garage because otherwise it probably won’t get done.

Here’s my list.


Two of my first tasks were to hit the junk drawer in kitchen and a basket we keep on the counter that I’ve been piling random things in. It was ridiculous how much stuff I was able to purge. I had coupons in my junk drawer from Christmas 2013. Oops.

Another daily task was to get rid of all of my recycling since I’d been to lazy to cut down my boxes and get them in the recycle bin. Getting that done actually really cleared up a huge space in my garage so I wasn’t tripping over stuff every time I went out to my truck. On the same day I also cleaned up my backyard a little bit and got some decorations out that were totally rusted and useless. (Hawaiian perk).

My toughest task of these first seven days was my food pantry. Each time my awesome momma comes to visit we she cleans out my pantries and throws away all the expired stuff, reorganizes, etc. Because she’s awesome like that.

So I guess maybe I should work on being awesome too.

I did get a few things purged and definitely reorganized, so it doesn’t look like someone ransacked my pantry anymore. Just like with my cooking, momma does it better.

I sent this challenge to a few of my friends, to see if they would do it with me. Misery loves company right? Just kidding. Some were already doing other challenges but one told me she didn’t have enough stuff to get rid of 40 bags. I know I definitely don’t since I’ve been working on purging for months. But I’m looking at it a bit differently.

Through the first seven days I think I maybe have threw away one trash bag worth of stuff. That’s not much, but it’s one less bag of stuff I have in my house AND that means a few sections of my house are that much cleaner and well organized!

Plus this is helping to keep me motivated. I’ve noticed a serious drop in my energy lately so now I feel obligated to at least straighten, purge and clean one teeny tiny part of my house each day. Once I start moving around and doing stuff, it’s hard to stop so then I get a little more cleaning done than I planned!

Did you start this challenge? How’s it going?

Enough with the negativity already!

You don't have to be negative when there are so many more positives out there. Choose how you think!

Pregnancy is an interesting beast all on it’s own. I have learned quite a few things over the last few months about the human body, babies and so much more.

The biggest take away I have so far is further insight into human nature…so I must say this:

Please, for the love of all that is good in this world, stop making pregnancy and newborns and babies sound like they are the worst thing ever. Seriously. This needs to stop.

This is a typical conversation I have:

Person: How are you?

Me: Great!

Person? How are you feeling?

Me: Good, a little tired. OR Good, my back hurts a little. OR huge, even though I know I’m not.

Person: Well – you just wait…it’s only going to get so much worse.

I don’t even know how to respond to this. And people say these things like pregnancy is such a horrible thing. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve had this conversation. At no point in this conversation am I complaining. You asked how I was and I answered. What would you like me to say? Awful? Miserable? Amazing? I don’t know what response you are hoping to elicit from me but honestly, stop asking if you need to throw in jabs and opinions.

I wake up some days and my back really hurts. But honestly? It puts a smile on my face. My husband and I spent years, yes years, hoping that one day this would happen.

Don’t you get it? This is exactly what we wanted. We would have given anything to have gotten to this point with our first pregnancy but unfortunately we were denied that. We have experienced loss already. This is what we hoped for. Every ache, every pain. Every kick even if it’s to the bladder.

I go to bed achy and I wake up achy and I thank my lucky stars every. single. time. This is a blessing to us.

This is a weird and sometimes gross experience. But it is amazing and beautiful and wonderful. Yes I cried when I found my first stretch mark. Yes I cried when my scale went up (okay I always cry when my scale goes up).

These are harsh realities to accept. But I’m still happy about it, no matter how many pounds I gain or how many tears are shed over it. I cry over puppies also, it’s not that big of a deal. I would not trade a single moment of it away.

baby quote

But I just can’t believe how down on pregnancy everyone is!

Sleep is another one of these things that is always a point of contention. I still sleep really well and people are shocked by that.  Everyone tells me, just wait — that will go away. Or you won’t ever sleep once the baby gets here. Or enjoy it while it lasts.

Seriously everyone makes it sound so awful. Newsflash, I’m not an idiot. I realize babies wake up and cry in the middle of the night, or they need to eat every two hours. Things will change but that is part of this entire experience.

I know there is someone out there reading this thinking…well those opinions don’t go away when the baby gets here! People will be telling you from here on out what to do, how to do it or that you’re doing it wrong.

Well…STOP! Opinions will be asked for when they are wanted. This is not a free for all. Simply because I am pregnant, just because someone is a new parent, or has a child at all, doesn’t mean they need free lecturing, unsolicited advice and someone constantly telling them how it is or how it should be!

Please, enough with the negativity! Society as a whole should recognize pregnancy is a wonderful thing and there are so many amazing positives. Can these be focused on? There are enough terrible things in this world, not every conversation needs to be negative.

Happy Monday, hope you all have a great week! Take some time today to think about all the positives around you. Share something positive about your day in the comments below!


Things still left to say

The last few days I struggled trying to think about something to write about. I didn’t really want to write more about baby items and diapers but that’s sort of been a lot of my life these days.

But inspiration hit me, like a big smack in the face.

This week I a few people I know contacted me to talk about some not so fun things. One to talk about a miscarriage and ask me some questions about my experience, to maybe help her understand hers a little bit.

Another person asked me a little about my infertility journey.

I saw someone else talking about their struggle with infertility on Facebook and it makes me so sad to see so many people dealing with this.

So that’s where my inspiration for this post came along….

This last week I was lucky enough to have my parents come out and spend some time with me. It’s been wonderful to have them here! My mom is always amazing help at getting organized and makes sure I actually get things done. So I made this huge “to do” list of things I wanted to accomplish between getting the nursery and baby’s clothes organized, to things I’ve just been putting of for days. Weeks. Okay, months.

One of these items was to take a bunch of items back to the fertility clinic we had been seeing. They were able to take back all of the unopened medication that had been safely stored in my fridge and will donate it to someone who can use it.

I’ve had items like this in my fridge and on my counter for nearly a year now…like they had always been there and were a part of our necessary counter supplies, along with my mixer, Keurig, sugar and flour. Or they were suppose to live in the butter drawer.

I thought I’d be excited – more space in my fridge and done with all of these things! I don’t need them now because our dreams finally came true!

But instead as I cleared all of the FolliStim out of my fridge and into a bag to take to the office, I started crying.

Why am I sad? I couldn’t help but wonder. And then as the tears fell as I looked at the bag in my hand, I remember the place I was in this time last year. I remembered the first time Wes had to help me by giving me my first injection. I remembered the first night Wes was on duty and I had to do an injection on myself.

I felt hopeless. Scared. Worried. Nervous. Awful. The list goes on and on. There was not a single positive association to these medications and this phase in my life.

But now I look down at the little bump that keeps growing, and my answer is right there.

We struggled through so many things, to get to where we are. But sometimes it doesn’t feel like the fight is over.

It feels like I’m still battling through infertility.

For a moment, as I was getting my little donation stack ready, I felt like we were quitting and giving up. That we had let infertility beat us and we were moving on. Infertility has been a part of our lives for a long time and I guess even though I’ve seen the ultrasounds, felt those little kicks, it feels like it is still with us.

We are lucky enough to have made it to the other side and are on a completely different and incredible journey. But without these things, we may never have gotten here.

It was such a bittersweet moment. I mourned the struggle that I had endured over the last year. And celebrated the new things that lie before me. But I realized, the battle with fertility will never leave me.

Now it doesn’t define me anymore. Neither does my miscarriage. My life is not ruled by these things. But they are a part of me. They are a part of who I am. They are forever a part of my family and this child. They are me, but I am not them.

It has taken me a long time to realize so many of these things but it was this week that it dawned on me, as my tears said all these things I didn’t know I had left in me.

Since I have opened up about my miscarriage and my infertility path, a few friends have sought me out to ask questions, get an opinion, maybe a little advice. That’s not a place I thought I would ever be.

While I am in a much happier place and a place with hope, it doesn’t change where we have been and what we have lost.

I still find it mind-boggling that there are so many people out there who suffer through some of these awful things. I didn’t know how common it was until it was happening to me.

Lastly, I will say this, my heart goes out to anyone who is going through this, whether it has been minutes or years since your loss happened, I am truly and unbelievably sorry. And to anyone fighting the fight of infertility, it is a very hard journey and you are my hero.