L has been the most amazing little person we could have hoped for. His smile lights up our entire world. He gives the best hugs. He has the bluest eyes. He’s funny and adventurous. To us, he is perfect no matter how many sleepless nights we have.
Now that he is nearly a year (how did that happen?!) we have to look at the reality we face.
We had always dreamed of having at least two children, never knowing how difficult just having one would be.
We love L and our world is complete with him in it. But we never wanted him to be an only child. And that’s what we’re facing.
I’m an only child and I had a great childhood. But that wasn’t our dream for our family.
So do we accept that this is what our family will look like? Or do we fight again? What if we have another miscarriage? Is it fair to put L through it?
The thought of going through all of the testing and the disappointment again weighs on me enough. But putting Logan through that emotional roller coaster with me breaks my heart.
I was not my best self those two years of infertility issues. I hid. I cried a lot. I ruined friendships.
This time we know what to expect, so maybe it will be easier. This time I have this tiny human who makes even the worst day better, so maybe that will help. And maybe knowing that it can work, and what the outcome is, will help.
But still, the disappointment and the frustration of something you thought would be so easy, just eats at you.
I wonder what it’s like to look at your spouse and say hey, let’s have a baby. And couple weeks later, boom! I’ll never know that feeling.
This is my third year supporting National Infertility Awareness Week (check out more information here)
The theme this year is #StartAsking . What does that mean?
It’s time to start asking questions about infertility and what can be done about it.
With two healthy young adults, I knew that a year of trying on our own, something just wasn’t right.
We had no idea what we were doing and no one in either of our families (that we know of) had been through something like this.
We felt alone and ashamed asking for help but we decided that’s what we needed to do. My OB heard my story and put me on medication (clomid) that ended up being an absolutely disaster. Then we tried the next thing (femara) before we were finally sent to an RE.
I wish in those months, I would have known more. I wish I would have asked questions.
Clomid messed me up pretty badly and I wish I would have know to have more monitoring done during that time frame. Who knows what it ended up doing to my system.
Finally with the RE we learned to ask the right questions. Side effects, the entire process, the entire cost since our insurance didn’t help with a lot. What were our options? What was our back up plan? What were the chances?
Some of the answers, we didn’t like. Some answers were scary. But the more we asked, the more we started to take back control in this very lonely process.
I also started to ask, why me? What about everyone else? The more I thought about it, I started to share our journey, which was very cathartic for me. And that’s when I learned that I wasn’t alone. And it wasn’t just us. I felt less alone. While I was sad others were dealing with this struggle, feeling less isolated definitely helped me navigate how to cope with everything we were facing. We got there by asking questions and doing our research too.
In April 2012 we hoped to start a little family. After one miscarriage, lots of heartache and months of fertility treatments, we finally were blessed with a son in May 2015.
While it took us just over two years to have a healthy pregnancy, we had a relatively easy journey compared to the heartbreak so many others go through.
Know that if you are struggling with fertility, you are not alone. Find your voice and start asking questions.
We fought for our ability to have a family by asking questions and getting the medical professional help that we needed.
Here’s the list of events Resolve.org has going on this month. So much useful, helpful information out there!
If you want to know more about our fertility journey or any other questions, don’t hesitate to ask!